Driving Miss Raziel
by VladimirsAngel
Summary: Lupa's lack of driving skills could scare anyone. even a Reaver of Souls...please R/R!
1. Can you Drive?

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DRIVING MISS RAZIEL 

Disclaimer: Only Lupa & Vladimir and Vladimir's house actually belong to me: all other characters and locations do not. Raziel and Nosgoth belong to Eidos and the good people who created Legacy of Kain: Kurt (blue fur and all!) belongs to those lovely people at Marvel Comics. All Ó remains with them.

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Author's Note: This story takes place before Raziel fights Kain at the end of Soul Reaver 1 – not that this has anything to do with the actual plot that follows!!! *grins…thinks: "Plot? What plot?"*

"Raz, can you drive?"

"Little busy….right now…sorry…."

Raziel, wings flaring angrily, turned and swiped with his bare claws as the Soul Reaver abandoned him. The Dumahim snarled and tried to circle him, watching for weak spots.

Lupa put her hands on her hips and started tapping her foot, impatiently.

The Dumahim adult lunged forward, and Raziel scraped his claws across its ugly face. It backed off, screeching angrily, and Lupa gave an interrogative cough. Raziel groaned.

"All right….what? Drive? You mean as in a car type driving?"

He pivoted on one cloven hoof and kicked the vampire backwards as it tried to rush him, and it stumbled into a convenient pointy sculpture mounted on the wall. Impaled, it shrieked and began to burn up.

"Of course I can't drive," Raziel said, tearing aside his cowl and drawing the vampire's soul in to consume it. "Why should I be able to? Nosgoth isn't known for its tarmac or pedestrian crossings."

Lupa sat down on a nearby rock and sulked. 

" Got my driving test tomorrow," she sniffed. "Just thought you might have picked up a few extra skills while you were staying with Kurt that last time."

"Why don't you ask him then? I know he has a car."

"He drives like a maniac. No-one who changes gear with his tail should be allowed on the road. I wouldn't go out driving with him if you gave me full body armour."

Raziel replaced his scarf and went over to her. "Look, you'll do fine," he said, doing his best at the comforting thing. It wasn't really his best skill, being as he was an emaciated wreck of a creature with eyes and claws from some gothic nightmare – but he did his best. He even reached out with his heavy claws and patted her uncertainly on the shoulder. "Um…there, there," he offered. Lupa gave him a look that said, quite plainly, _There there? What am I, a toddler?_

"I'm gonna fail," she said, with utter certainty.

"Well, it's your first time. Lots of people fail first time."

"Not me," Lupa said, darkly. "I don't do failing. That's why driving makes me so cross. I'm no good at it."

Raziel thought about this for a minute or so, then said: "I wasn't any good at swimming at first either…"

Lupa laughed, bitterly. "Believe me, if learning to drive was achieved by killing the driving instructor and absorbing his soul, I'd have been there already and be zooming about in a convertible right now."

Raziel's eyes glowed brighter in amusement. 

They walked through the Sanctuary of the Clans, heading for the nearest warp-gate. Raziel held his arm up, the Soul Reaver curling around it like a snake. The ugly glow of the wraith-blade illuminated the ruins and threw dancing shadows before them as they walked, Lupa's paws silent, Raziel's hooves making a regular _click-click-click_ on the hard rock surface.

"So where to?" Raziel asked, activating the gate. Lupa watched as the greenish warp-bubble tracked through possible destinations: The Seraphan Gate, Zephon's Keep, Domino's Pizza, Middle-Earth, The Drowned Abbey, Westchester, Rouge City, and many, many others, far too many to list here.

She pointed. "This one," she said, and the views stopped cycling. 

Raziel walked through the gate as calmly as if he were taking a Sunday stroll: Lupa followed with rather more trepidation. She hated the sensation that the gates gave the traveller – a feeling of being stretched out like gum and then snapped back. She was still scratching behind one ear, trying to shake the feeling of small insects crawling in her fur, when Raziel stopped directly in front of her and said: "Where's this, then?"

"This is where I live…"

Raziel stared about at the quiet street for a whole second before turning on his heel and starting back towards the gate.

"Hey, wait! Where are you going?"

"I'm not staying around here!" he exploded, with perhaps rather more vehemence than he had intended. "Your mad housemate lives here! He scares me!"

Lupa looked him up and down, once.

"Let me get this straight," she said, dryly. "You have the general appearance of a half-starved homicidal demon – and _you're_ scared of my housemate."

"He's a nut," said Raziel firmly. 

"Don't worry. I just want to borrow his car."

"And that's supposed to make me feel _better_? You don't have your licence yet!"

Lupa ignored him and walked up to the door of her house. "Damn…no keys…Vladimir!" she bellowed up at the open window on the first floor. "Vladimir, get your ass down here and let me in."

"Go away," came the response. 

"Vladimir, it's me."

"Well, who else would it be?" the voice retorted. "Strange women do not generally stand under my window and scream, sadly enough."

"Look, if he doesn't want to be disturbed," Raziel interrupted reasonably, "why don't you come back to Nosgoth with me? We can stay at Dumah's, it's warm in there now I've got the furnace going…"

"Who's that?" the voice from above called, sounding interested. "I'm coming down."

"It's just Raziel," Lupa shouted, and there were footsteps on the stairs within.

"Ohh, no," said Raziel, turning on his heel, "I'm leaving."

Lupa's hand whipped out and grabbed his wrist in an iron grip.

Vladimir opened the door and stepped out onto the pavement, smiling.

"You must be Raz," he said, grabbing Raziel's claws to shake. "She's told me so much about you. Do you really not have a lower jaw?" He reached up for the hem of the scarf.

Raziel pulled his scarf away with a meaningful growl and a look at Lupa that said: _I will kill him, you know_. _It's what I do._

"Uh, Vladimir," Lupa said quickly, "no-touchee on the scarf, okay?"

"Oookay," said Vladimir, affably, and popped back indoors. "Come on in. I'll put the kettle on."

Raziel stood on the doorstep as Lupa bounded into the hall, and glowered. 

"Oh, come on," Lupa wheedled, turning in the doorway, "he's nice really if a bit loopy, and we don't have to stay for long. I just want him for his car."

"I'm glad you don't want him for his personality and charm," Raziel growled, and wiped his cloven feet carefully on the mat as Lupa closed the door behind him.

"Don't be silly," Lupa whispered to Raziel as they watched Vladimir's scarily inaccurate attempts to make tea, "that'd be like me wanting you for your pretty face."

"Hey," Raziel objected. "I'll have you know it used to be a very highly-regarded face, this."

Lupa patted him on his exposed ribs and smiled. "I know, babe," she said. "I liked your old face too."

Vladimir pressed a large mug into Raziel's claws. "Tea," he said briefly, before disappearing off to the fridge again to put the milk away. Raziel held the mug, surprised that he could grip it. The handle was very wide and the mug itself had indents in the pottery as if perfectly suited for his three-clawed hand.

"It's Kurt's," Lupa explained. "It's designed for weird fingers. Just don't drink the tea."

"What?"

"Not advisable. Pour it in the plant pot."

Raziel regarded a rather sad-looking cheese-plant. 

"Don't worry, it's used to it," Lupa said. "Just get rid of it quick before he comes back."

"I'm already dead, what harm is it going to do?" Raziel asked.

"Suit yourself, but I'm going to take cover until the fizzing and the screaming dies down."

Raziel abruptly splashed the contents of his mug all over the plant just before Vladimir came back in with a packet of biscuits.

"Biscuit anyone?"

Raziel glanced at Lupa, who thought for a split-second, then nodded. He took a biscuit gingerly and held it in the tips of his claws, uncertain of what best to do with it. 

"Sorry," Vladimir said, "I should have got you a straw or something for the tea." He was looking at the drenched plant. 

"Yes," Raziel said, putting the biscuit away under his cowl, "I tried my best but I'm afraid most of it escaped me. It smelt interesting though."

"So, Vladimir, can I have the keys?" Lupa interrupted.

"What? Keys? What?"

"Car keys? You said I could borrow your car? I want to take Raziel for a drive."

"But you haven't passed yet," Vladimir objected. 

"I'm only going to drive round the field in the back. Off road! Pleeeeeeeease?"

Vladimir looked at her suspiciously for a moment, then grinned. 

"Okay. Here you go."

He threw a set of keys at her. "Just watch it when you're driving it out the garage. I just had the panels beaten."

Lupa snatched the keys out of the air.

"Yesss! C'mon, Raz, let's go!"

"Is she safe?" Raziel asked as Vladimir followed them to the back door, Lupa running ahead of them.

Vladimir winked his yellow eye. 

"Only when it's not full moon. Don't worry, kid. You'll be fine."

The back door slammed shut behind him. Raziel looked up to see the full circle of the moon just hiding behind a straggle of cloud. 

"Raz, come on," Lupa called impatiently, and revved the engine of Vladimir's VW Beetle. 

"I knew I was safer with the block puzzles," Raziel muttered to himself, and got into the car.

Okay, so it's not really going anywhere yet…! Will Raziel escape from the VW with all limbs intact? Will Vladimir get his car back? Is the cheese-plant going to mutate? Let me know what you think….be nice *sniffsniff* cos it's my first try…please R/R.


	2. There are Warp-Gates at the Bottom of th...

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DRIVING MISS RAZIEL 

Chapter 2 – There are Warp-Gates at the Bottom of the Garden

Disclaimer: Only Lupa & Vladimir and Vladimir's house (and Vladimir's car!!) actually belong to me: all other characters and locations do not. Raziel and Nosgoth belong to Eidos and the good people who created Legacy of Kain: Kurt (blue fur and all!) belongs to those lovely people at Marvel Comics. All copyright remains with them.

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Author's Note: This story takes place before Raziel fights Kain at the end of Soul Reaver 1 – not that this has anything to do with the actual plot that follows!!! *grins…thinks: "Plot? What plot?"* + also thankies very much for reviewing! Hope you like the rest!

"Is it supposed to make that noise?" asked Raziel, alarmed. Lupa, balancing the clutch, gave him a look.

"Yes." 

The ex-vampire shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The seat-belt was hanging ridiculously loose across his non-existent waist, and his wings were chafing on the beaded seat-cover. "What is the point of this thing, exactly?" he added, hooking one claw under the belt. 

"It's supposed to stop you from moving around too much…." Lupa glanced across at her passenger and grinned. "And there was me wondering who Gap actually designed size 0 jeans for…"

She released the hand-brake and the car rolled forward cheerfully on the dirt track that led away from Vladimir's house, bouncing slightly on the potholes.

"So how long does it take to learn how to drive one of these?" Raziel pursued, watching with interest as rabbits fled in terror before the headlights of the Beetle. Lupa grunted.

"If you're me? At least a year of torture."

"There's torture involved?" Raziel brightened slightly. "I wish you'd said. I'd have brought one of my pointy sticks."

Lupa changed gear with a _thunk_. "Oops…"

The VW flew gracefully over a mud ridge in the road and landed, suspension screeching in protest, in a large puddle.

"Well, never mind the examiners, I'm impressed," said Raziel sarcastically, drawing up his hooves fastidiously onto the seat as brownish water began to seep through into the foot-well. Lupa growled, threw the car back into gear and rattled forward out of the dip. The windscreen wipers were doing a good job of spreading the muddy water around, and Lupa stuck her head out of the window for a better view of the road. 

"Uh…Raz?" she asked. "Did you know there was a warp-gate at the bottom of Vladimir's garden?"

"What?"

"Warp-gate. Open. Right in front of us."

Raziel peered through the murky windscreen. "Well, stop this thing then," he demanded. The glowing, greenish light spilling out of the open gate was now clearly visible. "You can't take a car through one of my gates!"

Lupa was looking down at her feet in some alarm: her foot paddled at the brake with no noticeable effect.

"What, you've had a whole year of lessons and you don't know how to make it _stop_?" 

"I know how to make it stop, doofus, it's just not doing it!"

She floored both the brake and the clutch – but the Beetle was on a roll and not planning on slowing down. The warp-gate loomed above them, active and showing a vaguely familiar gothic landscape.

"The water must have got into the brakes…"

Her skin began to crawl as the sensation of gate-travel washed over her. The car thumped up and through the arch, and as the world began to change around them Raziel grabbed her arm and dragged her from her seat.

"Lupa. Lupa, are you all right?"

Lupa awoke to the taste of grit in her mouth, and the feel of Raziel's cold claws on her back.

"Just tell me where the car is," she said.

"It's just over there," Raziel replied, in a slightly hesitant tone. "Are you getting up?"

"No…I think I'll lie here a while…is the car all right?"

She heard Raziel stand up and take a few steps away to the left.

"To be honest I don't know," came his response a few moments later. "I don't know how cars are supposed to look when they're all right."

Lupa groaned and opened one eye. Above her loomed the cliffs of the Drowned Abbey, and a light rain was falling. 

"You know how water getting into the brakes was a bad thing?" said Raziel, who was standing on the edge of the cliff and looking out over the lake. Lupa sat up, growled at her bruised ribs, and said:

"Yee-es?"

Raziel said nothing: just extended one arm, claws downwards, and pointed directly down into the green water.

"Oh, no," said Lupa in a very small voice.

Raziel shrugged: offered her his other arm. She grabbed onto him, and he leapt out into empty air, ragged wings spreading to catch the air currents and let him glide.

They landed on a convenient stone platform, several hundred feet below, and Raziel pointed out the VW Beetle resting gently in the underwater swell.

"Normally they float," Lupa groaned. "Vladimir is going to kill me." 

"Why?" Raziel queried. "Won't it go if we dry it out?"

"It may," Lupa began, irritated, "but you're missing the point that it's currently under rather a lot of water and weighs somewhere in the region of…two…tons..."

She trailed off, staring at Raziel as he stood with his arms folded, looking down at the car. Then she squeaked with laughter and began to jump up and down.

"Oh dear," said Raziel sympathetically, "did you knock your head when I dragged you out of the car?"

"No! No! You! You're perfect!"

She thumped him on the shoulder enthusiastically.

"Nice as that is to hear, I find I'm overcome with a deep sense of foreboding," said Raziel, but Lupa wasn't listening.

"I can't believe I forgot who I was dealing with!" she chattered. "But of course, you're lifts-tons-of-stone-with-a-single-hoist boy! Plus you can swim now!"

"There are still Rahabim in there," said Raziel, unimpressed. "They bite."

Lupa dismissed the problem with a wave of her hand. "Just glyph 'em," she said. 

"With all due respect, you can glyph off," said Raziel firmly, which was when Lupa gave him a hard shove right between his wings and he fell face-first into the water.

The water in the Abbey, as always, was very cold. Raziel, glaring up at the surface as he sank slowly towards the lake-bed, slipped into the Spectral Realm and landed feet down on the mud. It was much easier to get around, when there weren't any pesky underwater currents tugging at you or Rahabim biting at your hooves: and Raziel had revenge on his mind. He cut through a pair of hunting Sluagh in a fit of temper, consumed them, and began the business of climbing out of the lake. 

At the top of the cliff, he shifted back: leant against the rock and shouted: "Hey!"

Tiny Lupa, far below, looked up and called (in a voice that seemed high and tinny due to the distance)

"What the hell are you doing up there?"

Raziel made a rude gesture with one claw.

"Charming," Lupa's voice floated up to him. "What about the car?"

"I hate water," Raziel shouted back down. "You know I hate water. And I absolutely loathe the way I look when I'm swimming."

There was a pause.

"I shouldn't have pushed you, should I?" came the response.

"It wasn't the best way to persuade me to fetch your mad friend's car, no," Raziel called down patiently. 

Lupa was silent for a long moment: she had convinced herself that Raziel was too mad at her to come back down, and was therefore pleasantly surprised when he launched himself off the cliff in a wings-folded, no-holds-barred dive, splitting the water with barely a splash. 

Raziel swam towards the purple, flickering shape of the VW Beetle, running through all the best tortures he could think of for Lupa in the back of his mind, while the greater portion of his brain was occupied in watching out for Rahabim. The water vampires were his least favourite: although Zephonim were irritating and persistant, and Turelim large and hard to kill, Rahabim were practically impossible to fight while underwater, with the added bonus that once they spotted you they'd follow you like faithful hounds on the scent. 

He wedged his claws under the main body of the car, and put all his strength into it.

The Beetle broke surface like a whale, while Lupa bounced and applauded on the little platform. It bobbed on the ripples, water streaming from the purple panels, but aside from its sodden condition it had miraculously suffered no other damage.

Raziel followed quite swiftly, vaulting out of the water with alacrity and turning to aim fire glyphs at the Rahabim that were hissing and trying to climb after him. They screeched as their bodies caught light and dived for the safety of the depths. 

Raziel shook himself like a wet cat and glowered. "I hope I get a medal for this one," he said, tearing off his scarf to wring it out. 

"You'd get a kiss if you had lips," said Lupa sweetly, kneeling down to snag the window-frame of the VW and stop it from drifting away.

"And you'd get a slap if I wasn't a gentleman," Raziel retorted, wrapping his wet scarf back over his ruined face. He glanced up at the cliff that the car had plummeted from. "Come on. Get back in the car."

"What?"

"Unless you're planning to climb up that cliff, holding the car in your teeth? No? Didn't think so. We'll have to paddle it over to the other side and find another way up…"

The warp-gate in Vladimir's field blazed into life, and the bonnet of the Beetle emerged, slowly. There was the sound of arguing.

"No! Push it from your side!"

"Oh, and of course that's such a good idea, Mr Motor Mechanic Vampire."

The VW heaved forward another few feet, and Lupa emerged on one side of it, pushing. 

"Is it over the archway yet?" Raziel's voice called. 

"Nearly. Push it again. I don't know why you couldn't just lift it –"

Raziel emerged, pushing at the trunk of the car. 

"This is what I call trying to teach you the consequences of your actions," he admonished. "Get pushing."

"It's a shame it didn't run while we were in Nosgoth," Lupa said wistfully as they pushed the car back up the slope towards Vladimir's drive. "I would have given anything to have seen Dumahim caught in the headlights. Does being run over kill vampires?"

"It does if they're run over by a car that's got me in it," said Raziel darkly.

They left the VW dripping in the driveway, and Lupa knocked sheepishly on the back door.

Vladimir emerged, a sandwich in one hand, which he promptly dropped once he caught sight of his soaked car and an even more sodden Raziel standing on his doorstep. He turned on Lupa immediately.

"What did you do to it? And what did you do to _him_? Gods, woman, you were only gone an hour or so!"

"It's not my fault you've got a warp-gate in your back garden," Lupa said, pushing past him rudely and grabbing a towel to throw to Raziel. She caught sight of the clock on Vladimir's kitchen wall and gasped. "I have to go! I've got my driving test at the crack of dawn. See ya later, Raz."

And with that she bolted out of the front door, shrugging on her jacket that was hanging in the hall.

Vladimir and Raziel regarded each other for a long moment.

"She's forgotten her keys again, hasn't she?" said Vladimir eventually.

Raziel sighed and began scrubbing at his hair with the towel. "You'd better come on in," Vladimir said, kindly. 

"Oh, I wouldn't want to impose," Raziel said quickly, handing Vladimir back his towel, but Vladimir was not to be put off. 

"Not at all. This house – " and he gestured to take in the complete dilapidated glory of the place, " – is where we all come to recover after being exposed to the full force of Hurricane Lupa. That girl is a walking disaster area. Make yourself at home. You can have the Frost Room upstairs. Bathroom's on the right, pizza's in the freezer, weapons of mass destruction in the cupboard under the stairs."

"…what?" queried Raziel.

Vladimir winked. "Just kidding," he said. "We don't have any pizza."

Next! (and maybe finally!) Lupa's driving test….please let me know how you think the story's going!


	3. How to Fail your Driving Test in One Eas...

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DRIVING MISS RAZIEL

Chapter 3: How to fail your Driving Test in one easy lesson

Disclaimer: Only Lupa & Vladimir and Vladimir's house actually belong to me: all other characters and locations do not. Raziel and Nosgoth belong to Eidos and the good people who created Legacy of Kain: Kurt (blue fur and all!) belongs to those lovely people at Marvel Comics. All copyright remains with them.

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Author's Note: This story takes place before Raziel fights Kain at the end of Soul Reaver 1 – not that this has anything to do with the actual plot that follows!!! *grins…thinks: "Plot? What plot?"* This is most likely the last in this plot thread and it has some very mild (and censored) swear-words in it…so don't hurt your tender ears, kids - but I may write more about Lupa & Raz later!! And yes, for all who guessed, I am going through the horrible driving nightmare in real life….*sobs*

The warp-gate in front of him whirled green, and Lupa came hurtling out of it. 

" I failed, Raz….Raz, I screwed up…"

She ran right into his chest at full force. Raziel made an involuntary "Gnnnnh!" noise which possibly wasn't quite as good as the comforting words he had been intending to offer. He wrapped his arms around the wolf-girl and they stood for a moment in silence.

"You didn't screw up," Raziel said eventually. 

"Oh, I so did," came the slightly muffled reply, and Raziel wondered idly if he was going to have to hang up his scarf to dry again after this little episode. "Just one thing, Raz…I failed on one little thing…my parking…"

"My logic runs thusly," Raziel said, resting his arms across her shoulders. "You didn't fail, because you can do that manoeuvre. You did it the other day and you did it perfectly. So you didn't do it perfectly this one time. So what? It doesn't mean you can't _ever_ do it, does it? So you're not a failure."

Lupa made a snorting noise. "You've got a tissue under there, right?" said Raziel, looking slightly worried. A hand emerged and waved a soggy white bundle at him. "Just checking. That's okay. You go back under there."

"But I'm going to _have_ to do it right, aren't I?" Lupa said hoarsely. "It doesn't matter how much I know that I can drive, that I can park, what matters is that _they_ see me do it and they see me do it right on that one day at that one time."

Raziel thought about this, and shrugged.

"S**t happens," he said. "Driving also happens, therefore driving is s**t and deserves to be treated as such. More impeccable vampire logic."

He held her out at arm's length and put his head on one side, considering. Lupa sniffled miserably. "Come on. Let's do something that'll make you feel better."

"Nothing," said Lupa, with absolute certainty, "is going to make me feel better."

"Here," said Raziel, rummaging in his closet, "put this on."

They were standing in the Frost Room in Vladimir's house, the room currently under Raziel's possession. Lupa took the hat from him and regarded it with suspicion. 

"It says 'I'm the Boss!' on it," she said. "Is this yours?"

"No. It's Kain's. Put it on."

"Kain wears baseball caps?" Lupa said incredulously, pulling it on and tucking her ears through the slots. 

"Have you seen him? He's bald as a billiard ball. Now."

Raziel fished around on his shelves and produced some paper and a big red marker pen. "Come along. We're going for a drive."

"Ohh, no," Lupa said, her lip curling, "I'm not going anywhere near a steering wheel for at least a week."

"Who said _you_ were driving?" said Raziel snippily, and stamped down the stairs, his hooves leaving deep dents in the carpet pile. Lupa trailed after him, looking worried.

"But Raz, you don't know how to drive…"

"I know. You're going to teach me."

"Raz-i-_el_…" Lupa growled in a warning tone as they went out onto the pebbled drive. 

There was a car parked in the driveway. 

"That's not Vladimir's Beetle," Lupa said, sounding slightly stunned. "That's my driving instructor's car, I'd recognise the bloody thing anywhere. White Peugeot 206 with writing all over it. How did it get here?"

Raziel pushed a button on the key fob in his claws and the car responded with a bleep. "Magic," he said. "Actually, Vladimir and Kurt half-inched it while your instructor was in the pub and Vladimir drove it through the warp-gate to get it here."

"And you did this _when_? I only failed this morning."

"Details, details," dismissed Raziel, opening the car door and carefully folding his tall, angular body into the driving seat. "Now which button makes this thing go?"

"I refuse to let you do this," said Lupa, "it's illegal and besides, you'll crash."

Raziel stuck his head out of the window and looked her in the eye.

"I'm going to go whether you come or not – " and he flicked a look up at the baseball cap – "boss."

Lupa growled under her breath and got into the passenger side. "And it's _not_ illegal around here," Raziel went on, leaning over to try and find the ignition, "In this place, you don't take driving tests. You either can drive or you can't."

"And you can't," said Lupa firmly. 

"Yes, but you can. So teach me. How do I make it go?"

"Put the key in that hole and turn it."

"Yes, boss." 

The engine caught and hummed happily. "Brilliant! Now what do I do?"

"Look down at your feet."

Raziel did so.

"See the three pedals? The one on the left is the clutch, the one in the middle is the brake, and the other one's the accelerator. To make the car go, you have to put it in gear. Press down the clutch, use that stick there and point it toward the number 1 marked on the top…"

"Boorrring," said Raziel, as the car slid forwards a few inches, and floored the accelerator. 

"Slow down! Slow down!"

"Why? There's nothing in the way on this road," said Raziel, cheerfully swinging the car around a hairpin bend at seventy miles an hour. Lupa gulped. "How'm I doing? Pretend I'm on my test and mark me up on that paper I gave you. Marks out of ten."

Lupa, trembling, scrawled a '2' on the first sheet and held it up so he could see. "Really? I scored a positive number? I'm impressed."

"Well, you _are_ using your mirrors," said Lupa unhappily as Raziel blasted another hapless cyclist behind him with a telekinetic projectile without taking his eyes off the road. "And you haven't stalled it once."

The Peugeot screamed around another sharp bend and came to a shuddering halt at the crossroads. Raziel carefully put the handbrake on. "Which way, fearless instructor?"

"Left," Lupa said, wondering whether this was the best choice to make. Left led back towards Vladimir's house and populated areas – but right led to miles and miles of twisting roads with very little chance of ever driving at speeds under eighty m.p.h.

"Left," echoed Raziel obediently, indicated to the right, and swung out confidently in front of an articulated lorry which was already blaring its horn in alarm. 

"What are you beeping at?" Raziel roared over his shoulder, sticking one clawed hand out the window and gesticulating violently. "You were a learner once too, you bastard!"

The lorry driver, catching sight of the ten-inch claws making obscene gestures at him from the tiny Peugeot, apparently thought better of taking any further action and turned off at the next junction. 

"Right," said Lupa, who, despite the threat to her life that this driving lesson was causing, was actually starting to enjoy herself, "let's turn right at the next roundabout and go into the supermarket car park. I'm gonna teach you how to park."

They made it to the car park with only minor faults on Raziel's part: the faults being, in priority order, driving with two tyres up on the kerb, fire-glyphing some pedestrians so he didn't have to stop at the crossing, and not driving in the direct centre of the lane. 

"Okay. Now parking as we both know is a torture from the Dark Gods, so I expect you to be brilliant at it," said Lupa with only a hint of sarcasm. "Remember to look where you're going when you're reversing."

Raziel nodded, and drove the car forward into an empty space opposite the one Lupa had intended him to park in. He straightened the wheels up and sat back, looking at her expectantly. 

Lupa opened her door and said: "Your tyres are about a centimetre over the white line."

Raziel shrugged. "So what?" he said. 

"Quite so," Lupa agreed, straightening her baseball cap. "I give you…..9 out of 10. Let's go back to the test offices."

"Okay," said Raziel amicably. "Is Vladimir's house still masquerading as the headquarters of the driving test offices?"

"Indeed it is. Drive on, when you're ready."

Vladimir looked up from his paper in slight alarm as the Peugeot bounced into his drive, coming to a standstill in an impressive spray of gravel right in front of the door. 

"So, did I pass?" Raziel asked. 

"No," said Lupa, and scribbled an 'F' in red marker on the last piece of paper. "You are an abysmal driver. I am, however, generally pleased with your test attempt. You showed a positive and independent attitude towards parking, and you are obviously confident behind the wheel – "

"But -?"

"But…I'm going to have to fail you because you made rude gestures at that lorry driver."

Raziel sat back in his seat and frowned. "Fine," he sulked. "Next time I'll just have to save my anger up, hunt him down, and gut him afterwards. I can't believe you failed me on one little thing like that."

He glanced slyly across at her, and his white-blank eyes were amused.

"Hey, I'm the boss," Lupa said, tapping her hat. "Just remember next time."

They got out of the car and headed back towards the house. Kurt met Lupa in the doorway and offered her some of the chicken nuggets he was eating.

"Don't be sad, _kätzchen_," he said, putting one thin blue arm around her shoulders as she stole some barbecue dip, "I'll teleport you anywhere you want to go. You don't need a car."

"I'm not miserable, really," Lupa said, checking to see if he had any chips, "I'm just angry at myself. I know I can do this…I just don't see why they can't give you another chance during the test if you do it wrong once."

Nightcrawler diplomatically lifted his portion of fries out of her grasp with his tail. "It's what we call bloody red tape," he said. "Sometimes you seem to forget that that's what you are – human. Being human, being alive, being sentient – all of these bring with them fallibility. Nobody's perfect all the time. It's not natural. And yet you make these rules that expect perfection at a particular given time."

"I agree," said Raziel, leaning against the wall. 

Lupa chuckled. "Hark to the blue-fur and the goat-foot talking about things not being natural," she said. 

"Oh, hark at her," said Raziel dryly. "Half-wolf, half-cat, sometimes human – walks between worlds, talks to the undead…I don't think she has a leg to stand on."

"Children," interrupted Vladimir from inside the house, "there are muffins and tea and milk and cookies in the kitchen. Do me a favour. Go and eat them. I don't think I can stand listening to you all yammering on out there about petty things like perfection."

"Ooh," said Lupa, brightening, "cookies? muffins?"

"Tea?" said Raziel, looking slightly ill at the prospect.

At that moment, the left rear door fell off the 206 into the gravel of the drive with a _crrrunnch._

"Oh," said Lupa. "I'm going to have to drive that again sometime."

"Don't worry," said Nightcrawler, eyeing the 206 critically, "bit of welding…no problem."

"Or a bit of _magic_," said Lupa, fetching a muffin and looking pointedly at Vladimir. "Either way. I need it functional again before my next test."

"Want me to put in automatic parking while I'm at it?" Vladimir asked, and then ducked as the food-fight began in earnest.

****

That's it for now! Did you like? Let me know! Thanks to all who have reviewed for me…*smiles* & for anyone who is a bit confused, I must explain that Kurt just tends to pop into my stories periodically…I think he gets bored…and everyone ends up at Vladimir's eventually anyway!!


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